abuse · sad · words

Fading purples

I remember when it started
When I knew he’d crossed the line
There was just too much pressure around my neck
His eyes had a different type light when he say mine widen
Something in him feasted on my fear
My mind twisted at the hardness in his eyes
The darkness that had lurked in there wanted out
The bad and dirty that had clung to the sides where he hid them had finally clawed out
I was in uncharted waters where I’d heard stories like this but they were further away because I thought I was careful with life
That night I felt my induction into that hall of pain
Why had I not walked away?
How had I been fooled into walking to the lions doorstep by the fading candle light which now had gone off and left me floundering in the dark once I step at the doorstep?
Sirens wail in the night as they close in
Screams that promise salvation unlike mine which torment me with guilt and blame, how could I let myself let this happen?
But the claws of the lions still clutch my will and freedom
The purple is see on my back and all over, days on end have oddly become familiar
I’m still waiting to save myself but, I’m stuck in there, inside, aware of the fear and staying with this beast clothed in flesh that walks like man but isn’t
The police left when he said he was my husband and he seemed desperate to help ease my mind,
My mother didn’t want for me to leave my husband despite the coals I was crawling over because I took vows
The wedding ring had began strangling my finger just like as tight the disappointments in my head when I believed he was sorry
I had to save myself, to avoid the man I married from letting a group of men have a go while he smoked in the hallway and tuned out my voice ever owning me again
I had to get up but the devil at the back of my mind laughed hard as I walked to the phone booth in the wake of night to finally call a friend,
Fear owned some part of me
Courage had been beckoning since the first time I refused to fit the mould my husband wanted
I just had to deny acknowledging the cackling phantom voice at my back and walk
I had to save myself
The purple bruises in my mind needed to start fading.
My knees have to now get used to holding me up because they’ve buckled enough.


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